Happy V Day

The end of last year was odd.

I got a boyfriend for Christmas.

literally.

christmas day he asked me what we were.

it was one of my favorite presents.

the beginning of this semester has been hard.

the stress has been causing me to get sick and its been affecting my sleep

I have a hard time waking up,

my depression has been getting worse and better if that makes sense.

I had the best valentines day.

it was amazing for me

my boyfriend got me a huge bear

I got to see him on the one day that I have never had someone to spend it with

he made everything better for me

he has slowly made me open my eyes to the fact that I can love myself

I was put on new medication

my depression has gotten a lot better

its been a while since valentines day happened I know

but its never too late to spread the love.

I’m very happy I have the friends and family I have.

I’m grateful I have the teachers that support me.

I’m grateful that I have the most supportive boyfriend ever

he makes me feel better when I’m down.

I’m able to pick myself up from my depression episodes

I’m grateful for everything that people do for me.

I’m very happy and I have been able to find someone who can help me see the good in myself.

I always see the good in others but I’m finally seeing the good in myself.

Merry F**king Chirstmas…

When I think of Christmas I think of cookies and presents

What others think of is eggnog and dinner parties

What I don’t think about is the smiles

What I don’t realize is the love I feel when someone opens my gifts and smiles because even if it wasn’t what they wanted they still loved it.

What I don’t think about is the anxiety of watching them open said gift and not liking it

Or hating it

Because you have to realize that even if it wasn’t something they wanted it was something you took the time to think about and got for them.

It’s even better when its someone you love. they look at it them you with a warm-hearted smile because you thought of them when you got it.

Christmas isn’t just presents.

It’s the thought and work you put into getting the gifts

It’s the time you took out of your day to get that person something

No matter how big or small

Carrying

tHe

Right

Item

Sends

The

Most

Amazing

Signal

I love the cold

I love the winter

Not because of the presents or the holiday

It’s because of the people I spend it with

I got the guy I like a present and I found out he got me one too

I don’t care that he got me something

I care that he took the time to think of what I would like

I care that he even thought of me

I didn’t realize how little getting a gift meant to me

But how much the time and thought it took for them to get me it

I care that they love me enough to get me something

I got my best friend a necklace

I got my mom and dad bracelets

I got my brother and sister t-shirts

And my other sister and her husband popcorn because I had no idea what to get them

No matter what I get I know my family and friends love me.

That’s all I could really ask for.

I love everyone I know

I’m grateful for what has happened this year.

The year started out like sh*t

I was taken out of school for a month because I tried committing suicide….twice…

I lost my grandma

I lost 3 friends across the world

One of my friends moved to the other side of the world

A few of my pets died

My girlfriend of 4 years dumped me

And I still pulled myself out of all of it

I still got up in the morning

Even if it was late

I still went to school

I’m still trying

I’m still looking for the light in every moment of the day

I’m still looking for something to keep me going

And for once I found it

In my friends,

Family,

Classmates,

Teachers,

The guy I like,

Even my cat.

Because I know everyone is supporting me

Just takes me a little while to see it

I’m getting there…

Just need a little more time to get used to it.

This year has been

Up,

Down,

Left,

Right,

Sideways,

And twisted…

I still came out okay…sorta

Merry Christmas…

Happy Holidays…

Happy anything you celebrate or don’t.

The One Class I Came To School For

My creative writing class was the only class i actually made an effort to go to.

I felt safe in that class

It was the one class that I felt like I could be myself

I never read my writing to anyone before this class because I never thought it was good enough

When i heard we were making a blog I was more than excited…

I was relieved

That I could finally write what I felt and not have anyone know.

When we were told that we were revealing who we were

I was terrified

This blog was a place I could vent and be who I really was.

But the positive feedback I got from when I said who I really was…

It made me feel better for who I was

To know that people actually listened to me when I wrote…

To know that someone actually read my writing and understood the meaning without me explaining it…

It was everything to me

And knowing that my teacher thought I was smart when I asked him something

I told my parents right after because for once I didn’t feel like I was just another student in the back of the class

I wanted to be known

To be heard

I found paris in this class

In the people I met

In the friends I made

I felt the love of the other students the minute I walked through the door every day

I loved watching others express how they felt even if they were shaking with fear standing infront of the class

I found my place in a class

I found my place in the school

I hate that I have to leave…

But I know I’m not actually leaving,

Not emotionally

Not mentally

Only physically.

I feel like I’m the only one that hasn’t used our classroom number….

Room 221 was a new home for me

It was a place I felt safe.

I’m gonna miss everyone in my class.

But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop using this.

I’m going to continue to use this and write

My classmates and teachers are my inspiration

This was the class that kept me going

I still don’t think my writing is good…

But that’s okay

It was good enough

Anything Else?

Anything else…?

anything else…

when I think of those 2 words

all I see is me leaving this class.

me leaving high school

anything else is like asking what will you do

anything else is looking in the mirror and seeing something new

anything else is seeing what you can do to better yourself and the world

Anything else…

is looking at a paper after a test and looking over your answers

anything else is finding the errors in your work and rewriting it to make it better

anything else is having to reword a sentence because you couldn’t remember how to spell a word

anything else is reading a book and ending with a cliffhanger

anything else is realizing you are in love with your best friend

anything else is anything but 2 words.

anything else brings meaning to the world

anything else is an open question

it makes you think.

anything else is more than just a one-word answer

anything else should make you think heavily

anything else should make you realize how much your input means to others

anything else?

 

 

is there anything else you want to say?

A

N

Y

T

H

I

N

G

 

E

L

S

E

?

 

I Broke My Own Heart…

I knew you didn’t like me

You would never love me

I hate myself

For ever loving you

I hate myself

Because I loved you

You meant the world to me

Then you stopped

You stopped talking

Stopped hugging

Stopped even looking at me

You just stood there

By your other friend

Ignoring the fact that you were killing me

I hate myself

I hate you

I love you

I hate that I love you

You hurt me

Deeply

You scared my heart

Deeply cut my soul

I thought that you felt the same

I asked you to a dance

And you said yes

But now you act differently

You act as though you don’t want to

That you don’t care

I know you don’t like dances

I wish I should have remembered

I wouldn’t have asked

I took that chance in doing so

It hurt me more

Then I wish it did

I see you

In the halls every day

I see you smile

And it makes my heart skip

I see you with your friends

And I feel so lonely

Because I wish you would smile at me like that

I wish you share your smile with me

I wish you would look at me

I wish you would be there for me

I wish you would give me a chance

I’m just hurting myself

By wishing these things

I’m just hurting myself

Because I see these things

My heart is breaking

It hurts so badly

It feels like my heart will fall out my butt

I hurt so deeply

I hurt so much

I don’t want to feel anymore

Because you don’t care

You never cared

You will never care

I hate you

I hate me

I love you

Just kill me

I want to kiss you

Hold you

Keep you safe

I want to dance with you

Make you smile like you use to

Before I ever told you I liked you

I wish I could take it back

I wish I could rewind time

I wish I never told you

How I truly felt about you

You just looked at me

So dull in your eyes

Now you’re trying to change me

Trying to make me religious

Trying to make me open my eyes to god

I believed once in my life

But that is gone now

I have been through too much

To be able to believe now

You want me to be

Someone I’m not

You want me to be

That perfect little Mormon girl

That you need

And want

I will never be her

I will never change who I am

I love you

I hurt myself because of it

I love you

It’s breaking my heart

I’m breaking my own heart

By caring about you

I love you…

I

Love

You…

Lindsay

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

It sees the truth beneath the facades of human nature

When all that is left behind is the remains of what was

It sees the reality

Set by the creator

 

Time will continue to tick

After all we hold dear has faded

It is in our hearts that we must continue to fight

It is in our minds that we must look forward

 

Water may fall from the eyes

But that does not make them weak

It really shows the strength

Strength to show the emotions

Strength to empower someone with your momentary discharge of humanity

We see space around us

Yet we could not be more oblivious to others

It is within our nature to look out for ourselves

But does that give us reason to cast others aside?

 

Our emotions are like a sea

We cannot see farther than the horizon

But we use our hearts and our minds to swim through it

We will reach dry land

 

Time may not always be all that is needed to heal

But with strength and perseverance

One can always find hope

And where there is hope,

there is the potential to make things better…

 

The Things I do or Think

Day 1:

Things I think:

• is that really a thing?
• what if it’s not true?
• why am I like this?
• geez I’m lazy
• no way that was who I was (insert amount) years ago
• What?
• WHAT????
• I’m sleepy as hell
• where did that come from?
• who’s that?
• wait you know me?
• how did I get here
• is that something I should know?
• do I know this person?
• is this something I will remember later?
• will this affect me somehow?
• does my cat really do that?
• CRAP!!!!
• that was due?
• where did this song come from?
• I should totally get this song!
• is it worth it though?
• what did I eat for (insert a time I last ate)
• did I really write this during (insert a year I wrote it)
• why isn’t this a thing?
• wow, I’m pretty messed up
• has this been a thing?
• I should do that
• (i forget to do it then hears footsteps to my room) I should panic for no reason
• did I do that?

Things I do:

• walks into a room randomly
• looks around
• walks back out
• has random bursts of happiness
• looks at the ground
• spaces out
• stares at my cat for reference (I do this a lot)
• stares at my cat for ideas
• stares at my cat for no reason
• laughs at stupid times
• has crushes on people I know won’t feel the same
• talk to myself
• grab my phone look at it and put it back down
• cry at weird moments

Am I Ready?

Reveal time…

I hide behind this name…

The name of my best friend

I hide behind this screen

You may already know who I am

Or you have no idea who I am.

I use the blog to type how I feel

I use it to express myself without being judged…

I use this place as a safe haven

I’m the girl that sits in the back

That laughs a lot

Or smiles a lot

I use this name…

As a way to be me…

Be who I really am even if it’s not my real name

I use this blog as a place to be me

Its the only place I feel like I can be me

I type to my heart’s content and knowing…

I have a different name no one will be concerned…

Well only the ones who know who I am will be concerned

My real name doesn’t define who I am

This name doesn’t either

The words I write…

The phrases I say…

I mean everything I say…

The hurt…

The love…

Everything I say or type I mean it

I am Lindsay but I am also someone else

I’ve been called pretty and funny

I was the one that doesn’t want to disappoint Mr. Nelson

I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I’m scared of revealing who I am

I’m terrified

But I want others to know

How I really feel

Inside I feel like my head is screaming

Outside I’m smiling

This class has helped me

And in a way fixed me

I am…

 

 

 

 

 

Felicia Rose Driessen.

This is my blog and I am Lindsay Wolfe.

She is me

I guess in a way…

Lindsay has always been a part of me I just needed a reason to let her out…

Paper Airplane

  💙💜💕What is love?💗💘💝

 

 

I. A haiku for love

Maybe if I even knew

What love really was

 

II. But where were you love?

When I was searching for you

You never found me

 

III. Wish I didn’t care

But when I looked into your eyes

I knew I loved you

 

IV. I wish I knew you

Cuz if I really knew you

Then I would know love

 

V. Love does not exist

Does not exist in High School

Well…at least not yet..

 

 

 

 

• Love is a peaceful easy feeling
• Love is a new sensation in the perfect moments
• Love is feeling somewhere else when you kiss them
• Love is being tongue tied
• Love is not quitting when you know you should
• Love is staying awake and talking about dumb stuff
• Love is falling for the girl, not the moment
• Love is driving to Hawaii, walks in the park, rivers and roads
• Love is your heart hurting so good
• Love is pink + white skies
• Love is a dance one repeat
• Love is the sound of a new start
• Love is being lost without them
• Love is someone taking you higher
• Love is sweeter when it’s finally found
• Love is finally understanding the words to the song Always

What hides behind the smile

I AIN’T NEVER SCARED!

 

I’m scared of being a disappointment

I’m scared of ripping paper

I’m scared of my friends parents

I’m scared of water but I love swimming

I’m scared of certain colors

I’m scared of compliments

I’m scared of the color on my walls

I’m scared of the idea of god

I’m scared of yelling

I’m scared of my friends

I’m scared of stray dogs

I’m scared of so many things

But the one thing that scares me the most…

Losing everyone I’ve come to know and care about.